Supporting The Anxious Child: Helping Conquer The Worry Bug

Anyone, whether you are a parent, teacher or just a fellow human in this crazy world, at some point in your life, you have more than likely caught a case of the "worries". "What if that meeting my boss wants to have is... to fire me?"  "What if this spot on my skin isn't just a freckle?" "What if the two days of sleeplessness I have had, turns into a lifetime of insomnia?" Some worrying and mild anxiety is a normal and even healthy part of life. The feeling of anxiety is the very thing that protects you, when, for example you have to make a decision, for example, to go alone, down the street that is poorly lit and isolated, yet, closer to your destination or to take the one that is busier and bright, but somewhat further from your destination; You choose (hopefully) the well lit, busier street. Why might you choose this? This is likely because our biology gives us hints. If your pulse is racing and your palms are sweaty at the thought of taking a certain direction...you listen, walk the extra ten feet and hopefully, arrive safely.

We all have built in "protectors". Our nervous system is fairly well wired to alert us of potential danger, if we are able "tune in". That is not to say, that disaster would likely strike down that dark alley...it is just may be slightly more likely. We listen to that inner voice and move ahead accordingly. Some natural born risk takers relish the dark alley and the idea of conquering their fear. That is a debatable strength and/or shortcoming, depending on who you ask, however that is a topic for another time.

Children, also have "natural" built in protectors. Many children are highly perceptive, aware of their environment and able to decide what a “real” worry is and what may be an exaggerated fear response. All children go through developmentally appropriate stages, which very much include, what may seem to us "irrational" fears. However, for the developing child, they are very much rational and part of how they move through the stages of human growth and development. For example, it is normal to go through a phase of separation anxiety during preschool years. It is normal for babies and toddlers to experience "stranger anxiety" and only want their primary care giver. It is normal for a toddler or preschooler to "check in" with a parent, even at home, while playing blocks, they may call to you...just to make sure you are still there. All of the above are typical and developmentally appropriate behaviors.

But what happens when the "worry bugs", as I label them with my young patients, start to "bully" your child. The worry bug is a simple term for anxiety that exceeds normal developmental concerns. It is a worry that begins to affect the day to day functioning of your child and impacts home/school or community functioning. It can be when the "worry bug" begins to stop your child from participating in his or her regular and important daily activities. That may be anything from play-dates and dance class to consistent attendance at school. It is when the healthy concern, becomes an aggressive and life altering "bully" to your child and even your family.

Anxiety in children is very real. It is not something that a child can just "shake off" and many times is biological and genetic in origin. Many parents and caretakers with the best of intentions will tell the child "Just stop thinking about it!" "Don't Worry!” However well intentioned that grown-up may be, with all due respect, if someone could just "not worry", rest assured they would do it. Anxiety is a terrible feeling that affects not just the mind, but the body as well. In children, many times parents may hear, "my head hurts" "my heart is pounding", and “my stomach hurts". You ask yourself, "What can be done?", "How can I help my child?"

Here is the good news, anxiety in children is highly treatable and youngsters have much strength to help them move through anxiety and utilize simple yet effective tools to cope with symptoms. When I work with children who are struggling with anxiety, I customize my treatment. Every child is unique; therefore what works for each child is unique. There is, however, a common thread...typically, various forms of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help break the pattern of anxiety and create new thought processes that lend themselves to the reduction and/or total elimination of the anxiety symptoms.

For example, your child is terrified of dogs and refuses to play anywhere a dog may be a perceived threat, (with anxiety, this could potentially be anywhere, as anxiety is not known for being rational) A conversation may sound like this, Parent: "Johnny...there are NO DOGS at the Mall" Child: "False...a dog could be in a car, someone leaves the window open, the dog jumps out, and my fate is sealed!"  Although this may be an irrational fear, in a child's mind, it is very much real and very much a voice that may dominate their logical side. For some reason...fear can have a much louder and commanding voice than rational, fact based thinking when speaking of anxiety.

So what is a parent to do? How do you help your child? How do you keep yourself from screaming "GET IN THE CAR, THERE ARE NO VICIOUS CANINES WAITING FOR YOU AT THE MALL, and EVERYONE KNOWS THIS AND I HAVE TO GET YOU NEW SHOES TODAY!!!"  I feel your pain. Anxiety in children can impact the family system; alter your day to day living and cause discord and resentments between yourself and your child. Here is the answer...once you begin to realize that anxiety is real, just like strep throat or a stomach virus, you can begin to implement the treatment.

The first line of defense is education. Learn about childhood anxiety, what it means, what it looks like and the ways that best conquer it. There are many excellent books that you can use at home with your child that help create understanding and gain mastery over the irrational and ever-demanding "worry bugs". One go-to book that I use with my young clients is "What to Do When You Worry Too Much, A Kids Guide to Overcoming Anxiety". This is a workbook and it tends to works best with children over age six or seven. This will give you specific steps to minimize anxiety, such as learning how to not "feed" the worry, finding ways to "talk back" to the bully of a worry and also using "Logic" to combat illogical fears. It is also helpful to allow your child an allotted time to speak about their worry. For example, helping a child find five to ten minutes per day to "spend with the worry", ask questions about it (with a safe adult) and then, LET IT GO.

Another great book for kids is "Wilma Jean the Worry Machine" by Julia Cook. This is a cute, well written book that addresses typical childhood concerns with humor and shows the positive outcome of the "what if” type of thinking. Lastly, seeking out the professional support of a trained child therapist is sometimes necessary. Quite often, as much as you love your child, their worries go beyond the scope of what you are capable of dealing with. Very often, therapy with anxious children is intensive, brief and successful! They have an uncanny ability to incorporate coping skills fast, use their imagination to take control and learn rapidly how to "talk back" to the worry bully! I have seen it many times in the hundreds of children that I have worked with throughout the years.

With an adult, many times the anxiety is more deep rooted, has gone on longer and they have adapted their personality and daily rituals to support and even strengthen their anxieties. Hence, adults tend to stay longer, plugging away at the therapeutic process. Children, however, typically come in, get down to business and "play, imagine and use logic" to quickly work through their anxiety! They embrace imagination, magical thinking and playful tools, which in many cases; help to quickly and effectively dissolve the worry to a much more manageable size.

So, please...don't despair, although childhood anxiety is obviously upsetting, it is also very open to suggestion and children are typically wonderful candidates to "boss the anxiety" right out of their life! That is not to say, they won't have set backs and challenges along the way or that they may not be hardwired to be a "worrier" by nature. However, children are resilient, open to using their imagination and often don't question using a "Magic Wand" to help the worries disappear. They are often amazing "visualizers" and can engage in imagining a balloon in their belly that inflates and deflates to help calm the breath.

In short, they are great learners, open minded to ideas and often they can conquer their anxiety quicker than us, the "big people". We tend to question and over think how something like a "balloon breath" and our imagination can help us. Children, often enough, don't question it and allow the strategies to be incorporated into their daily life and melt away their anxiety, one worry at a time. They can imagine the sun, melting their worry away, like ice cubes on a sunny day!

For more information, please don't hesitate to contact me at Castle Counseling. I offer a free phone consultation and offer suggestions over the phone as well. You can follow me on Facebook at Castle Counseling, LLC.

You can also find information on Psychology Today and various other websites that deal with childhood anxiety.

As a child and family therapist and certainly as a mom, I can assure you of this...Anxiety is a real problem, but it is one with many successful treatment approaches. You and your child do not need to suffer alone.  You can resume your day to day functioning and watch your "little worrier" go back to being a "little kid" who might just worry sometimes. We all have our worry bugs and we all can get bullied by our negative thoughts from time to time. You can however, find many ways to conquer the fears, support your children and give that bully of anxiety, less space in your child's life! There is hope, there is help and there are people who understand! Seek it out. You and your child deserve it!

Peace and Health,

Kristy

Kristy Castle, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist in Princeton, New Jersey who has spent the last 18 years working with women, children and families to conquer anxiety and other life altering emotional issues. You can find her on Facebook at Castle Counseling, LLC or on Psychology Today or at www.castlecounseling.com