The first rule for column writing is to start with a topical and relevant hook so readers will know what the tone and premise of the piece will be. I like to do this, but am terrible at it. (At this point, regular readers of my column should be aware that 85 percent of what I write is filler. Usually I just start with a random thought and then segue seamlessly into other random thoughts until I hit my 800-word quota. The headline is all you really need to understand the article. And hopefully the pictures are entertaining. See what just happened? I padded my word count by writing 70 words …

Good morning, Dear Readers. This column is being written from the safety of a fully stocked storm bunker. I’ve collected all the essentials – bread, milk, eggs, those little Styrofoam packing peanuts, sugar, 25 of my favorite DVDs, six changes of clothes including a bathing suit, puff pastry dough, a ruler, and six bags of potato chips. (Side Note: While I’m joking about most of these survival items, people used to buy the oddest things from the A&P I worked at in preparation for storms. Things like cream cheese and produce – both of which go bad without adequate refrigeration – would fly off…

I’m not what you’d call a “car guy,” at least not in the traditional sense. Give me a wrench and pop that hood and I’m about as useful as a pair of hands in a soccer match. I’ve never done anything mechanical to a car, which makes me an easy target for dishonest mechanics. (“What’s that you say? I need a new ‘air conditioner cushion pin’ and you’ll give me a great deal? Done. And while you’re at it, go ahead and do that ‘tire defoliation’ you mentioned last time.”) I’ve owned two cars in my life and, after my current one goes to that big parking lot in the sky later this week, I’ll have …

In recent years, airport security has tightened to the point where it often takes longer to get onto plane than it does to fly to a specific destination. Not only are there stringent (and seemingly random) restrictions regarding the amount of hand sanitizer that can safely be brought onto a plane, but there’s also an emphasis on what sort of weapons can fit inside sneakers. I did some flying a few weeks ago and thought I was well prepared for the screening process. With the precision of George Clooney’s character from Up in the Air, I slid off my sneakers, emptied my pockets, removed that one…